Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
