Heybabeimwearingurpanties
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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