Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
