saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
