I was born with a shot glass in my hand
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
