My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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