Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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