I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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