Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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