cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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