So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
