a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
