i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
