Your dad touched me again.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
