Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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