His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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