Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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