If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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