1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
