how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I wish there were birth control emojis
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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