were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
