In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
