I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
