I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
