i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
