I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
