i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Randomize