you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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