All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
