I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
we're so committed to being not committed
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
