Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
