I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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