when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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