just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
