We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
