sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
