oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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