I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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