I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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