Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
