umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
