I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
