Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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