I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
We were destined to go to rehab together
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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