I think i peed on brittanys purse
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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