it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Everyone says I win the strip club
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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