I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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