Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize