you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize