I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
