He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
