The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
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