i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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