just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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