don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
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