hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
