I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Your penis caused this!
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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