God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
