the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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